So my cold turkey attempt at no sleeping tablets tonight’s brings me to Self harm step 7.
So i come across this 7 steps on the Things people should know about self harm post by the Metro.
And it brought me to my insomnia and my uphill struggle with self harm.
step 7. says you cant just quit, this has been the hardest thing for me since i first ever started self harming many moons ago and Is also clearly the reason i cant sleep on my DAY 1 SLEEPING TABLET BAN..
With my personality disorder the slightest thing can trigger my self harm mode this is what i call my episodes of manic depression that lead me to hurting myself. It can start days before and i can talk myself down from it or something can happen and i have no control of this and go from normal girl to unbearably suicidal and that self harm mode can go into full self destruct mode in minutes its hard to control and its even harder getting over these episodes.
After you feel so ashamed, feel almost disgusted at the lack of self control on causing harm to your own body you cover it up you try not let anyone see your petrified of the judging eyes looming over your scars you cut in places people cant see and look in the mirror every night at that lame excuse of a girl who cant control her own mind to stop JUST STOP i could scream in my head at her but she wouldn’t listen, then you wake up the next day riddled with shame you carry on with your day…
just like a normal person would right?
I originally started writing this post about my self harm the other day on the bus and as i tried to stay positive looking at the people around me paranoid they are looking at me my anxiety goes through the roof and I sit n bite my nails and think about it and come to the conclusion that this is the hardest of all problems for me to come to terms with and speak out about because iv always been so scared of judgement from “the other people” the ones who couldn’t imagine feeling so low that you would physically hurt yourself to get away from your own mind. You see Iv never spoken out about my self harm before…
What I have come to realise is it takes strength to fight those urges this part of my personality goes through and you are not weak for giving into them either. Every time is a lesson learnt a new step taken even if you didn’t win the battle this time your still alive right? I have found it seems there’s no such thing as quitting you just learn self control and some days its easier to do than others. it took me many years to realise this is where i come when i cant cope so my coping techniques are what I’m working on and its kinda helping.
Everyone slips up everyone does things they know they shouldn’t do Right? So this is one of mine i know it hurts other people to see my cuts and i try to hide them so i don’t have to explain the difficulty i go through everyday to control it. but i know in the deepest of dark thoughts that there is that silver lining and that its just a bit cloudy today.
Now maybe letting all that off my chest will help me with the insomnia i suffer with going cold turkey on these sleeping tablets is a very hard step for me and on the topic of step 7 you cant just stop. i probably will give in and use tablets to help my sleeping again but until then this one step forward is better than none and Who knows i guess i can always try whale music or something next.