Fragile Little Soul.

Fragile

So Today’s Daily Prompt seemed to fit perfectly into my little world. I have Just got out of hospital, for once its nothing to do with my mental health I actually had a virus. Totally took over my body and ruled me from the inside out. Think the nurses where glad to see the back of my consistent moaning.

It was a long 24 hours i mean iv been through a 32 hour labour an emergency C-section an Uninvited doses of penicillin (might i put that i am severely allergic) And this last hospital spout has been worse, i would of rather had another C-section than feel the way i did before they sedated me!

One thing i learnt from this visit was the way you get treated differently after a mental health diagnosis it really hit home. When i first arrived at A and E i was unbelievably dehydrated and felt like i had bugs crawling under my skin, i was grey and retching like i had the devil in my belly. I got taken in straight away they clearly didn’t want me in the waiting room throwing my life up on other patients.They put me in a room in the majors department of A and E i had what looked like a lovely little lady short blonde hair she was nice for the first 5 minutes until she got my notes up.

That’s when her attitude towards me became rude and uncaring. She called me a Drama Queen and told me the reason i feel the way i do is because i have mental health problems and that it was all to do with my anxiety. Pretty much telling me my symptoms that may i say where clearly visible i was sweating buckets and shivering i didn’t think anxiety caused sickness the way i was throwing up was clearly a virus anyone could see. She told me i couldn’t drink anything and stuck a cannula in my arm and left me to it.

What seemed like hours had passed she had only put fluids on my drip so my fever was rushing through my body like it was pumping out my heart and taking over my brain i was delirious confused and very scared, pins and needles took over my hands and legs and strangely enough my chin. I told my nurse because pins and needs is surely never a good sign in any case. She told me i was being a hypochondriac and that if i didn’t stop making myself sick then she has no choice but to send me home. Apparently she can see nothing wrong in the ONE! blood test she took when i got there and im disturbing the other patients with the awful noise im apparently making on purpose. Like i went into that hospital with the full intentions of pissing of the old lady that fell out of bed this morning with my awful retching noise that i must of been practising to get so on point.

I was almost begging her to give me something to stop me being sick i couldn’t take it anymore i was worn out i had been throwing up since 4am it was now 1pm in the afternoon, I hadn’t even managed to keep in a sip of water without it coming straight back out. i pleaded with her in a bid to get her to believe me that i wasn’t putting this on she insisted it was just my anxiety and that even if it was a stomach bug NORMAL people deal with them at home,I must be a fucking Lunatic then this must all be in my head just because i have a mental health condition it must be impossible for me to genuinely be ill and i must be putting it all on because im crackers.

I felt degraded as a person i questioned myself about my symptoms thinking surely my brain cant have this much control over me. i cant be creating all these symptoms how would that be possible. i know i have a mental health condition but im not a chemically imbalanced super human. I WAS ILL i wouldn’t of dragged myself to a hospital if i didn’t think i needed it. Its bad enough i get sent there when i do not want to go let alone going on my own accord i would of just stayed in bed wallowed n threw up in my saucepan some more.

The doctor came along started telling me the nurse had noticed my scars and wanted to talk to me. She asked me questions about my home life and my current mental state. She almost said in a accusing way that my self harm was the cause of my fever. I was disgusted i could hardly speak to her i was drooling out my mouth like a rabies riddled animal and your telling me my recent mental health diagnosis is causing this and that i couldn’t of picked up the virus my son had a few days ago NO!!! your mental it must be all made up you can stop all this its all in your head.

They booked me in to the ward and as i got moved about i couldn’t see anything around me it felt like everything was spinning i begged for some more anti sickness nothing was working they could clearly see. A new nurse came to see me he asked if i was able to drink water i told him the previous nurse stopped me drinking, He looked shocked and got me a cup of water straight away. He said take it slow small sips she should never have told you to stop taking in water at all. So he went and got one last anti sickness to try and it worked. Then out come the sleeping tablets they knocked me sideways and i woke up the next morning like i had just done ten rounds with mike Tyson and looked like i had been dragged through a bush backwards.

I had stopped being sick by the morning and the doctor that seen me the day before was gone and the new one was a hell of a lot more medically understanding she acknowledged me as a patient and not a nut job. She told me she had seen my x-rays and can see some build up, that i clearly had been suffering with a nasty virus that my blood pressure and what not had been up and down through the night and she was prescribing me more fluids before she discharged me home. For the first time i realised my mental health effected the judgement of the other nurse and her influence on the doctor affected my care in such a awful way.

I am Feeling Okay now but im not so certain about the next time i get ill. iv never had much luck in hospitals but this was by far the most degrading experience i have experienced in all my years!