There once was a little girl…

And she was ever so brave, now that little girls all grown up. Bravery doesn’t come so easy. Living with bpd on a good day can be just as daunting as it can be on a bad day. These last few days iv had my rollercoaster week up and downs like you could never imagine hormoanes flying all over the shop creating an un inhabitable place to live  in my head. 

I have little help with my issues getting a therapy session where I live is next to impossible  you might aswell be dead before they recognise your problems. A lot of the time I spend chasing these appointments handing in risk assessments and making phone calls to be told they can’t find me on the system and that I must start all over again. It’s tedious and personally I gave up trying. 

Living in a mind that splits different parts of your inner self into separate personalitys, ones that can skip between themselves with the smallest of triggers is daunting and nerve racking. I want to scream out for help most days but my anxiety also won’t let me show how my bpd effects me in the day to day life I live. 

I started looking through my memory boxes the other night. Ever since I was a little girl I have had an obsessive need to be wanted. I have excessively hoarded train tickets and valentines presents, photos, stones from beaches storys I use to write about in school about boys in my life anything I could get my hands on to keep to remember. 

Looking back this is a serious emotional defect in such a young girl. I started self harming quiet young with little reason to feel that low in myself. I had issues that I couldn’t  explain, I got blamed for just being a naughty problem child so I left home and dealt with my emotional problems myself with little support. I thought I was a strong independent girl, reality check I was a lost little soul that could of done with a guardian angel to protect me. 

But nothing can protect you from the inner emotions you suppress as a bpd suffer you don’t realise the emotional backlash you create for yourself. From just one thought, one thing you feel bad about can make a hole avenue of serious emotions that are a struggle to categorise. I still haven’t mastered the art of not giving a fuck. I still feel everyone wants to leav me my emotional problems lay within abandonment I have issues but I’m working on it right now every second I’m battling with that constant inner emotion and I will win this time because I am learning to live with my bpd and although I may not seem like I  have control in my past posts. I do and no matter how far up or how low down I get I’m more in control now than ever… 

Become zero

Vanish

You ever experience them days when your mind goes dark on you and no matter what you do you cant take your focus off it. No matter what you do it diverts you back down there its frustrating and stressful.

Today my anxiety is eating me alive looming in the distance i have a event to attend and im shitting it to say the least. Im amazing at hiding this, well i say im amazing i drop hint bombs out there like hey im so uncomfortable right now…  but what am i looking for when i do you cant come in my mind put your torch on and look for my sanity can you?

im crazy social with people i know  btw but when it comes to newbies and especially newbies that are good friends with oldies i freak.  WHYYYY??
I eat myself up in here trying to tell myself be brave young one you have the power, but underneath in my belly i feel that feeling i cant quiet describe as if its like bubbling say dont forget me im going to make you work for this girly.

That niggling voice in the back of my head making me be the girl that awkwardly smiling in the corner makes me angry at myself. Mainly because i know the girl i can be when im comfortable or when iv got that fire lit and and the moment i just cant seem to find it well i can but not as much as i know im capable of.

When things happen in your life like little things that make you second guess your worth or who you thought you where. makes you want to vanish into thin air it makes all the little corners of my brain shake n i get all worked up in so  many ways. Im trying so hard to not let this phase my progress im calling my last post a slight relapse but im still kinda lost over here.

Always trust your gut instincts they say… what does that mean when your mind plays tricks on you is it instincts or is it all your overthinking?  its hard to want to protect yourself but at the same time tell the difference between you and reality…

Well its been a while

so i haven’t posted on  here in a while because i was so busy with feeling normal i forgot how it felt to need a release. But guess what im still mental and i clearly still have severe problems up there. i just cant get life right! my mind is a maze and im in stuck in here like a prisoner.

So update on me is im feeling vulnerable as ever right now. i very nearly walked to that bridge n just carried on going but i cant can i because i don’t want to hurt anyone i don’t want them to feel as bad as i do right now.

So i hurt myself to take away the pain and its such a thrill to feel okay for a few seconds i wish it would last but it doesn’t and then it all starts all over again reality… not that you truly left it in the first place just feels normal for a minute and i dont know why i wish it didn’t but i just cant stop it when i hurt inside its like something takes over me and i hurt myself i wish i was different

i wish my outlook on life was different i wish i could be normal have normal feelings and do normal things when i get hurt but instead im this fucked up version of me that i cant control and it scares me……

Characteristics Or Me?

Today i am struggling. Yes i said it im not coping today. I am having a hard time connecting the dots im reading peoples emotions wrong im second guessing my worth and im getting stressed out. I don’t want to feel like this anymore! I feel Mad today i don’t know if im right or wrong. Are people just being nice to me because of my situation?

Not knowing if its you or your mind playing tricks on you is hard. Im finding it difficult to read people and to believe them. My mind tells me 100 things at once and i cant tell whats right. I let my thoughts run away with me. I try to confront people with questions of are you okay with me? Yet still don’t believe them when they answer.

Is it me or is it my characteristics of my BPD?  Im struggling to tell the difference between whats me and whats not! Days like this send me into deep depressive states, I just want to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep and not wake up till i feel normal again. People cant see whats eating me up on the inside and i don’t know how to explain it. I know im suppose to feel like this doesn’t stop me from finding it hard to deal with.

How do i communicate with normal people how do i hide my emotions from them. I don’t want to hurt them with the truth. I don’t want people to see me differently if i tell them how im feeling. Managing this on my own is hard im still waiting for my therapy its been nearly two months now since being diagnosed and i still feel like im stuck in limbo. Guess i just gotta put my smile on and carry on and wait to see what tomorrow brings.

World Mental Health Day.

Today is World Mental Health Day my thoughts on this are rocky i want to scream out and help people and be an inspiration to others but im struggling to even be a person today. I posted the other day about laughing at myself and not taking my mental health to heart, Well it worked for all of 5 minutes and the last 24 hours i have been second guessing every life decision iv made, Iv been feeling rejected when i know im not! i feel disconnected from the world slightly lost in my minds intricate maze of doubt and self pity!

Zombie mummy has come out to play again and maybe its because its before half ten in the morning that i feel so incapable of being a normal person, Either way its a hard place to be stuck in. disconnected from good emotions and tuned in deeply to the negative ones. Taking things out of proportion and blaming myself and all round making mountains out of molehills. When my Nan use to say that to me i never understood it until now.

I  look deeper into my mind and i know why its shutting itself down. This Month and date is quiet close to my heart 6 years ago today i done something that changed me. I had to grow up i had to make choices i shouldn’t of and to this day it affects me. When People talk about childhood trauma causing mental health problems this doesn’t just have to be abuse this can be anything traumatic and child doesn’t necessarily mean little kid your still a child throughout your youth, I needed support through my youth and i was pushed aside a lot more than i should of been just for being young, Almost laughed at and told it doesn’t get easier when you grow up so forget about it and enjoy being a kid. Well that was next to impossible i didn’t know how to not feel the way i did so i turned to being self destructive this pushed me into the arms of the wrong people and the rest is history.

I feel strongly about the help they offer and the way that kids and teenagers view mental health. I remember hiding behind my fake smile and going home and crying myself to sleep not knowing that i could talk to someone and it would help me understand my mind. I just thought i was different to other people i didn’t know other people could experience what i went through.I want to help i want to change young peoples outlook on asking for help, But i need the help myself today.

Being borderline can be tiring one moment your on top of it all the next it crashes down and the worlds your enemy. Understanding my brain takes it out of me i analyse every thing that gets said to me i take it in i turn it around and  90% of the time i turn it into something its not wind myself up into a frenzy of am i right or wrong then wear myself out trying to examine every last detail to get the right answer, But always end up with the wrong one. Some days im like an unstoppable force the others you see right through me. It can be a blessing or a curse depends on how you wake up that day. One thing i would like to make a point of though is even though some days i struggle i wouldn’t change my mind i hate to love it but i do. So as much as i seem like its a tough place to be i wouldn’t be me without it.

Life In Border-Land

Image result for wonderland who am i
Bonkers? Mad? Beautiful minded or a lost soul. Sometimes it feels like wonderland. it can be a wonderfully mad place my border-land . I have come to terms with the way my mind works since my diagnosis. I think in a way it has helped me notice my triggers more. Iv started to learn to laugh at myself when i  get bad i manage to curb myself through the episodes at the moment. Maybe this is down to a touch of serendipity and fortunate turn of events, And one person throwing beautiful mind bending experiences into my world. That may have led me on the right path to normality  this time.

Looking at my mental health problems in a positive light and my symptoms as quirky traits has made it easier to deal with them people have put me down for years and used my triggers against me. Made me feel like im mad, problematic a drama queen. Always being made to feel like i am just a burden and that im the creator of the problems and feelings i experience. Having someone who sees me for me. Watches me everyday and never once has judged me for the little things that make my border-land mine, makes me feel invincible especially when im low he picks me up and dusts off the bad feelings and brings the light back into my world.

Being with someone so understanding of me so connected changed my life around. I never thought i could be so happy. Im not saying im a ray of sunshine all the time but i can see his light shinning through my storms and that is just what i needed. Hes just there for me he doesn’t try to cure me. and its as simple as that.

 

This is my response to today’s Daily Prompt.
Border

Fragile Little Soul.

Fragile

So Today’s Daily Prompt seemed to fit perfectly into my little world. I have Just got out of hospital, for once its nothing to do with my mental health I actually had a virus. Totally took over my body and ruled me from the inside out. Think the nurses where glad to see the back of my consistent moaning.

It was a long 24 hours i mean iv been through a 32 hour labour an emergency C-section an Uninvited doses of penicillin (might i put that i am severely allergic) And this last hospital spout has been worse, i would of rather had another C-section than feel the way i did before they sedated me!

One thing i learnt from this visit was the way you get treated differently after a mental health diagnosis it really hit home. When i first arrived at A and E i was unbelievably dehydrated and felt like i had bugs crawling under my skin, i was grey and retching like i had the devil in my belly. I got taken in straight away they clearly didn’t want me in the waiting room throwing my life up on other patients.They put me in a room in the majors department of A and E i had what looked like a lovely little lady short blonde hair she was nice for the first 5 minutes until she got my notes up.

That’s when her attitude towards me became rude and uncaring. She called me a Drama Queen and told me the reason i feel the way i do is because i have mental health problems and that it was all to do with my anxiety. Pretty much telling me my symptoms that may i say where clearly visible i was sweating buckets and shivering i didn’t think anxiety caused sickness the way i was throwing up was clearly a virus anyone could see. She told me i couldn’t drink anything and stuck a cannula in my arm and left me to it.

What seemed like hours had passed she had only put fluids on my drip so my fever was rushing through my body like it was pumping out my heart and taking over my brain i was delirious confused and very scared, pins and needles took over my hands and legs and strangely enough my chin. I told my nurse because pins and needs is surely never a good sign in any case. She told me i was being a hypochondriac and that if i didn’t stop making myself sick then she has no choice but to send me home. Apparently she can see nothing wrong in the ONE! blood test she took when i got there and im disturbing the other patients with the awful noise im apparently making on purpose. Like i went into that hospital with the full intentions of pissing of the old lady that fell out of bed this morning with my awful retching noise that i must of been practising to get so on point.

I was almost begging her to give me something to stop me being sick i couldn’t take it anymore i was worn out i had been throwing up since 4am it was now 1pm in the afternoon, I hadn’t even managed to keep in a sip of water without it coming straight back out. i pleaded with her in a bid to get her to believe me that i wasn’t putting this on she insisted it was just my anxiety and that even if it was a stomach bug NORMAL people deal with them at home,I must be a fucking Lunatic then this must all be in my head just because i have a mental health condition it must be impossible for me to genuinely be ill and i must be putting it all on because im crackers.

I felt degraded as a person i questioned myself about my symptoms thinking surely my brain cant have this much control over me. i cant be creating all these symptoms how would that be possible. i know i have a mental health condition but im not a chemically imbalanced super human. I WAS ILL i wouldn’t of dragged myself to a hospital if i didn’t think i needed it. Its bad enough i get sent there when i do not want to go let alone going on my own accord i would of just stayed in bed wallowed n threw up in my saucepan some more.

The doctor came along started telling me the nurse had noticed my scars and wanted to talk to me. She asked me questions about my home life and my current mental state. She almost said in a accusing way that my self harm was the cause of my fever. I was disgusted i could hardly speak to her i was drooling out my mouth like a rabies riddled animal and your telling me my recent mental health diagnosis is causing this and that i couldn’t of picked up the virus my son had a few days ago NO!!! your mental it must be all made up you can stop all this its all in your head.

They booked me in to the ward and as i got moved about i couldn’t see anything around me it felt like everything was spinning i begged for some more anti sickness nothing was working they could clearly see. A new nurse came to see me he asked if i was able to drink water i told him the previous nurse stopped me drinking, He looked shocked and got me a cup of water straight away. He said take it slow small sips she should never have told you to stop taking in water at all. So he went and got one last anti sickness to try and it worked. Then out come the sleeping tablets they knocked me sideways and i woke up the next morning like i had just done ten rounds with mike Tyson and looked like i had been dragged through a bush backwards.

I had stopped being sick by the morning and the doctor that seen me the day before was gone and the new one was a hell of a lot more medically understanding she acknowledged me as a patient and not a nut job. She told me she had seen my x-rays and can see some build up, that i clearly had been suffering with a nasty virus that my blood pressure and what not had been up and down through the night and she was prescribing me more fluids before she discharged me home. For the first time i realised my mental health effected the judgement of the other nurse and her influence on the doctor affected my care in such a awful way.

I am Feeling Okay now but im not so certain about the next time i get ill. iv never had much luck in hospitals but this was by far the most degrading experience i have experienced in all my years!

Serendipity

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
“a fortunate stroke of serendipity”

Which brings me to this  weekend and the series of fortunate events that happened in such a short space of  time. I cried tears of happiness for the first time in years and delved deeply into the soul of some really beautiful people. made relationships that will last a life time and learnt lessons about my mind i didn’t know existed.

I learnt how to dream again. I realised i had forgotten my creative side. I use to be so imaginative this weekend brought all that back to me. I felt like the Cheshire Cat laughing to levels i didn’t even know existed. i was queen of my castle.

Some days my mind can loose its self and its not a bad thing im coming to terms with my mood swings and taking a handle on them one emotion at a time. The Thing is there is no rush i am who i am and i will always be her i cant change that but i can learn to live with myself and not hate who i am. its not something that comes easy and its certainly an adventure and who knows what tomorrow might bring.

The highs to my  personality disorder can be positive and im making them that one lesson at a time. Somebody once said to me Your only as high as your imagination can take you. I just need to Believe in myself some more.

My Monday although i felt hungover and shit. I Genuinely feel like i am radiating positivity and i intend to spread this positivity! So no matter what your going through try to imagine something beautiful and create a place that makes you happy even if its only for a short while. Dream Big no matter whats holding you down.

 

Zombie Mummy

Last  night was my first night on my Sleeping Tablet Ban and if i said it was a easy ride i would be profoundly lying. It has made me realise how dependant i have become on them tiny little tablets that help so much in someways but can be so destructive in others.

My insomnia didn’t seem so bad until i didn’t have any tablets to take. then the endless hours of staring into the walls begun. I spent half my night arguing with myself about not having control over the endless thoughts rushing through my mind. while im exhausted over here i wish normal me would whisk me off to dream land! The rest of the night i spent flailing around the bed helplessly like a fish out of water longing for a comfortable position my body desires right now…

Next thing its morning and iv now got to face the real world utterly physically and mentally drained. I most certainly got up on the wrong side of the bed today that is for sure. Dragged a brush through my birds nest that iv clearly developed over the space of the last few hours, put my war paint on and am ready to face the world even if every part of me wants to drown my sorrows in pitiful ice cream binge and a marathon of come dine with me hiding from the world. As appealing as that is its not going to help any situation so the adventure begins Day one of Zombie Mummy.

So spending the day with my beautiful 2 year old who thinks he is the spawn of Chucky well at least today that is the persona he has taken it on himself to become. Zombie Mummy  over here is finding it hard to keep a happy face while tiredness takes over. searching for the matchsticks  to prop my eyelids up i smoke cigarettes like they are going out of fashion anything to get me outside walks to the shops, bike ride anything to keep my brain active and not let myself slip into a black hole of self pity.

I manage to make it through. I smiled through his day and he leaves happy. That makes me happy! (seeing him happy that is something i have been missing for a long time) That is my positive place i make myself go to when i feel myself slipping his smile his laugh the pictures of me and him its my happy place and as i drag myself through the rest of the day in this happy place desperately ignoring my anxiety breakdown i can feel looming in the back of my mind.

Self controls a Bitch its a hard bridge to build and im starting with matchsticks! I go over and over in my head the conclusions of buying more sleeping tablets. i argue with her she says buy them i say No! She says just in case you need them… I say You will only take them because you have them. She gives in…

I Won the argument this time not to say that its going to do me any favours tonight. When Those million mile a hour thoughts come out to play. Either way its a win this time and one step to a fully built self control bridge. And i might be physically and mentally drained from just one day but im so proud of myself for even coming this far today i adult-ed the shit out of life.

Maybe Tonight il try the whale Music 😉

 

 

 

 

 

Cold Turkey + Step 7…

So my cold turkey attempt at no sleeping tablets tonight’s brings me to Self harm step 7.

So i come across this 7 steps on the Things people should know about self harm post by the Metro.
http://metro.co.uk/2016/09/04/7-things-people-should-know-about-self-harm-6085755/

And it brought me to my insomnia and my uphill struggle with self harm.

step 7. says you cant just quit, this has been the hardest thing for me since i first ever started self harming many moons ago and Is also clearly the reason i cant sleep on my DAY 1 SLEEPING TABLET BAN..

With my personality disorder the slightest thing can trigger my self harm mode this is what i call my episodes of manic depression that lead me to hurting myself. It can start days before and i can talk myself down from it or something can happen  and i have no control of this and go from normal girl to unbearably suicidal and that self harm mode can go into full self destruct mode in minutes its hard to control and its even harder getting over these episodes.

After you feel so ashamed, feel almost disgusted at the lack of self control on causing harm to your own body you cover it up you try not let anyone see your petrified of the judging eyes looming over your scars you cut in places people cant see and look in the mirror every night at that lame excuse of a girl who cant control her own mind to stop JUST STOP i could scream in my head at her but she wouldn’t listen, then you wake up the next day riddled with shame you carry on with your day…

just like a normal person would right?

I originally started writing this post about my self harm the other day on the bus and as i tried  to stay positive looking at the people around me paranoid they are looking at me my anxiety goes through the roof and I sit n bite my nails and  think about it and come to the conclusion that this is the hardest of all problems for me to come to terms with and speak out about because iv always been so scared of judgement from “the other people” the ones who couldn’t imagine feeling so low that you would physically hurt yourself to get away from your own mind. You see Iv never spoken out about my self harm before…

What I have come to realise is it takes strength to fight those urges this part of my personality goes through and you are not weak for giving into them either. Every time is a lesson learnt a new step taken even if you didn’t win the battle  this time your still alive right? I have found it seems there’s no such thing as quitting you just learn self control and some days its easier to do than others. it took me many years to realise this is where i come when i cant cope so my coping techniques are what I’m working on and its kinda helping.

Everyone slips up everyone does things they know they shouldn’t do Right? So this is one of mine i know it hurts other people to see my cuts and i try to hide them so i don’t have to explain the difficulty i go through everyday to control it. but i know in the deepest of dark thoughts that there is that silver lining and that its just a bit cloudy today.

Now maybe letting all that off my chest will help me with the insomnia i suffer with going cold turkey on these sleeping tablets is a very hard step for me and on the topic of step 7 you cant just stop. i probably will give in and use tablets to help my sleeping again but until then this one step forward is better than none and Who knows i guess i can always try whale music or something next.