Become zero

Vanish

You ever experience them days when your mind goes dark on you and no matter what you do you cant take your focus off it. No matter what you do it diverts you back down there its frustrating and stressful.

Today my anxiety is eating me alive looming in the distance i have a event to attend and im shitting it to say the least. Im amazing at hiding this, well i say im amazing i drop hint bombs out there like hey im so uncomfortable right now…  but what am i looking for when i do you cant come in my mind put your torch on and look for my sanity can you?

im crazy social with people i know  btw but when it comes to newbies and especially newbies that are good friends with oldies i freak.  WHYYYY??
I eat myself up in here trying to tell myself be brave young one you have the power, but underneath in my belly i feel that feeling i cant quiet describe as if its like bubbling say dont forget me im going to make you work for this girly.

That niggling voice in the back of my head making me be the girl that awkwardly smiling in the corner makes me angry at myself. Mainly because i know the girl i can be when im comfortable or when iv got that fire lit and and the moment i just cant seem to find it well i can but not as much as i know im capable of.

When things happen in your life like little things that make you second guess your worth or who you thought you where. makes you want to vanish into thin air it makes all the little corners of my brain shake n i get all worked up in so  many ways. Im trying so hard to not let this phase my progress im calling my last post a slight relapse but im still kinda lost over here.

Always trust your gut instincts they say… what does that mean when your mind plays tricks on you is it instincts or is it all your overthinking?  its hard to want to protect yourself but at the same time tell the difference between you and reality…

The Versatile Blogger Award!

Genuine BIG thank you to  Serendipitousbloom.com For nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award.  This has inspired me to keep going knowing i can support others whilst helping myself get closure. This is what i was looking for when i stated posting.

 

versatileaward

 

Award Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Share the award on your blog
  • Share seven random facts about yourself
  • Tag 10 bloggers with less than 1,000 followers and let them know that they have been nominated

 

My Random Facts- 

  • I like to travel on train or  bus journeys alone to listen to music and spend some time with myself alone but surrounded by people so im not to on my own.
  • I keep memory boxes full of bits and bobs from anything that inspired me.
  • I am a Sticker collector.
  • I dream to work in a zoo or in animal conservation. i have a huge passion for caring for animals.
  •  I am a very wild daydreamer i tend to get very lost in my mind.
  • I would love to one day live on the canal in a little dreamy barge with a little ferret and a wood burning stove.
  • I love to learn and Create i will let my mind run away with itself and most time the results can be magical.

 

Now to Tag Bloggers To Nominate –

katiereablog.wordpress.com

melancholydoll.wordpress.com

atribeuntangled.com/blog

borderlinemama.wordpress.com

iammyownisland.wordpress.com

I Have only chosen these 5 as i am new here and these are the few blogs i have come across that have inspired me and given me courage myself that im not alone. ❤

 

 

 

Fragile Little Soul.

Fragile

So Today’s Daily Prompt seemed to fit perfectly into my little world. I have Just got out of hospital, for once its nothing to do with my mental health I actually had a virus. Totally took over my body and ruled me from the inside out. Think the nurses where glad to see the back of my consistent moaning.

It was a long 24 hours i mean iv been through a 32 hour labour an emergency C-section an Uninvited doses of penicillin (might i put that i am severely allergic) And this last hospital spout has been worse, i would of rather had another C-section than feel the way i did before they sedated me!

One thing i learnt from this visit was the way you get treated differently after a mental health diagnosis it really hit home. When i first arrived at A and E i was unbelievably dehydrated and felt like i had bugs crawling under my skin, i was grey and retching like i had the devil in my belly. I got taken in straight away they clearly didn’t want me in the waiting room throwing my life up on other patients.They put me in a room in the majors department of A and E i had what looked like a lovely little lady short blonde hair she was nice for the first 5 minutes until she got my notes up.

That’s when her attitude towards me became rude and uncaring. She called me a Drama Queen and told me the reason i feel the way i do is because i have mental health problems and that it was all to do with my anxiety. Pretty much telling me my symptoms that may i say where clearly visible i was sweating buckets and shivering i didn’t think anxiety caused sickness the way i was throwing up was clearly a virus anyone could see. She told me i couldn’t drink anything and stuck a cannula in my arm and left me to it.

What seemed like hours had passed she had only put fluids on my drip so my fever was rushing through my body like it was pumping out my heart and taking over my brain i was delirious confused and very scared, pins and needles took over my hands and legs and strangely enough my chin. I told my nurse because pins and needs is surely never a good sign in any case. She told me i was being a hypochondriac and that if i didn’t stop making myself sick then she has no choice but to send me home. Apparently she can see nothing wrong in the ONE! blood test she took when i got there and im disturbing the other patients with the awful noise im apparently making on purpose. Like i went into that hospital with the full intentions of pissing of the old lady that fell out of bed this morning with my awful retching noise that i must of been practising to get so on point.

I was almost begging her to give me something to stop me being sick i couldn’t take it anymore i was worn out i had been throwing up since 4am it was now 1pm in the afternoon, I hadn’t even managed to keep in a sip of water without it coming straight back out. i pleaded with her in a bid to get her to believe me that i wasn’t putting this on she insisted it was just my anxiety and that even if it was a stomach bug NORMAL people deal with them at home,I must be a fucking Lunatic then this must all be in my head just because i have a mental health condition it must be impossible for me to genuinely be ill and i must be putting it all on because im crackers.

I felt degraded as a person i questioned myself about my symptoms thinking surely my brain cant have this much control over me. i cant be creating all these symptoms how would that be possible. i know i have a mental health condition but im not a chemically imbalanced super human. I WAS ILL i wouldn’t of dragged myself to a hospital if i didn’t think i needed it. Its bad enough i get sent there when i do not want to go let alone going on my own accord i would of just stayed in bed wallowed n threw up in my saucepan some more.

The doctor came along started telling me the nurse had noticed my scars and wanted to talk to me. She asked me questions about my home life and my current mental state. She almost said in a accusing way that my self harm was the cause of my fever. I was disgusted i could hardly speak to her i was drooling out my mouth like a rabies riddled animal and your telling me my recent mental health diagnosis is causing this and that i couldn’t of picked up the virus my son had a few days ago NO!!! your mental it must be all made up you can stop all this its all in your head.

They booked me in to the ward and as i got moved about i couldn’t see anything around me it felt like everything was spinning i begged for some more anti sickness nothing was working they could clearly see. A new nurse came to see me he asked if i was able to drink water i told him the previous nurse stopped me drinking, He looked shocked and got me a cup of water straight away. He said take it slow small sips she should never have told you to stop taking in water at all. So he went and got one last anti sickness to try and it worked. Then out come the sleeping tablets they knocked me sideways and i woke up the next morning like i had just done ten rounds with mike Tyson and looked like i had been dragged through a bush backwards.

I had stopped being sick by the morning and the doctor that seen me the day before was gone and the new one was a hell of a lot more medically understanding she acknowledged me as a patient and not a nut job. She told me she had seen my x-rays and can see some build up, that i clearly had been suffering with a nasty virus that my blood pressure and what not had been up and down through the night and she was prescribing me more fluids before she discharged me home. For the first time i realised my mental health effected the judgement of the other nurse and her influence on the doctor affected my care in such a awful way.

I am Feeling Okay now but im not so certain about the next time i get ill. iv never had much luck in hospitals but this was by far the most degrading experience i have experienced in all my years!

Zombie Mummy

Last  night was my first night on my Sleeping Tablet Ban and if i said it was a easy ride i would be profoundly lying. It has made me realise how dependant i have become on them tiny little tablets that help so much in someways but can be so destructive in others.

My insomnia didn’t seem so bad until i didn’t have any tablets to take. then the endless hours of staring into the walls begun. I spent half my night arguing with myself about not having control over the endless thoughts rushing through my mind. while im exhausted over here i wish normal me would whisk me off to dream land! The rest of the night i spent flailing around the bed helplessly like a fish out of water longing for a comfortable position my body desires right now…

Next thing its morning and iv now got to face the real world utterly physically and mentally drained. I most certainly got up on the wrong side of the bed today that is for sure. Dragged a brush through my birds nest that iv clearly developed over the space of the last few hours, put my war paint on and am ready to face the world even if every part of me wants to drown my sorrows in pitiful ice cream binge and a marathon of come dine with me hiding from the world. As appealing as that is its not going to help any situation so the adventure begins Day one of Zombie Mummy.

So spending the day with my beautiful 2 year old who thinks he is the spawn of Chucky well at least today that is the persona he has taken it on himself to become. Zombie Mummy  over here is finding it hard to keep a happy face while tiredness takes over. searching for the matchsticks  to prop my eyelids up i smoke cigarettes like they are going out of fashion anything to get me outside walks to the shops, bike ride anything to keep my brain active and not let myself slip into a black hole of self pity.

I manage to make it through. I smiled through his day and he leaves happy. That makes me happy! (seeing him happy that is something i have been missing for a long time) That is my positive place i make myself go to when i feel myself slipping his smile his laugh the pictures of me and him its my happy place and as i drag myself through the rest of the day in this happy place desperately ignoring my anxiety breakdown i can feel looming in the back of my mind.

Self controls a Bitch its a hard bridge to build and im starting with matchsticks! I go over and over in my head the conclusions of buying more sleeping tablets. i argue with her she says buy them i say No! She says just in case you need them… I say You will only take them because you have them. She gives in…

I Won the argument this time not to say that its going to do me any favours tonight. When Those million mile a hour thoughts come out to play. Either way its a win this time and one step to a fully built self control bridge. And i might be physically and mentally drained from just one day but im so proud of myself for even coming this far today i adult-ed the shit out of life.

Maybe Tonight il try the whale Music 😉

 

 

 

 

 

Green Day – Where it all started…

Green days new album / Triggers / Right back where it all started

So the new green day song and tour dates have been announced and this is the perfect subject for me to start this hole “speaking out about my problems”. now let me say i thought my Green Day days where over they obviously are not and paranoid wreck of a girl or not this gig is top of my list . Music is my biggest trigger (not all of them are bad feelings i will admit) and these triggers can bring back memories of times I had put in a box and thought i had locked away for good. until you hear them few verses that meant so much to you once upon a time and then all of a sudden all these emotions i felt when i was at low points can come rushing back and this brings me here to talk about it clearly…

when i was a hormonal teenager music answered all my questions. I literally walked alone. (if your a green day fan you will understand this) You might say i was a troubled girl but really good at hiding emotions i had older boyfriends who i shouldn’t have i played with kids who probably weren’t much good for me and listened to music that probably didn’t help either but looking back now i realise these roles played a major role in my mental health adventure today. (if you had tried to tell me that then i probably would of done a runner for it) that was a speciality of teenage me. (still is if we are on the path to honesty)

Green day days where easy (at the time i thought they where the worst) i started self harming then lets just say i use to think i couldn’t ever get better and for what say a good 8 years i used failed relationship break downs and partying as my cover up it all looked pretty on the outside but i done myself no favours. its intense being unable to tell anyone being a young girl with such a lost head and too scared to admit her emotions and feelings. i look back and there has been ups but definitely a lot more downs but silver lining im still here and the demons iv created inside me haven’t quiet taken over just yet.

But in every post i write and every feeling i express and try to understand i want to make it a lesson something to remember and reflect on and learn from all in all.

(what i learn from this i probably should of stuck to gangsta rap instead of good old emo green day)

Top Tip- TALK TO SOMEONE – Choose anyone it helps let it out. Call a helpline if you do not want to tell anyone close to you. they will listen they wont interrupt and they cant see you so it makes it easier. Sometimes that is all you need to get you through. (it took me years to find the courage to do it myself so no stressing if you bottle it the first few times.)

Here’s To The Good Times

So… i started this blog to let out a bit of steam i suppose and because although it seems real easy to other people my life is upside down inside out all over the place and most of the time i struggle to know which way is up in this jumbled up place i call my mind. But iv come to realise i cant really tell people what goes on in my mind because im scared they will think i am Crazy i mean i question myself enough already right?

so here goes my take at letting it out in a kind of self help realisation kinda way but at the same time learning lessons about myself and my problems and overcoming whatever adventures lay ahead to get me to becoming a better version of me now.

If every cloud has a silver lining  there must be a little glittery outline around my storm cloud at the moment and the sooner it shines the better. im optimistic. (today)

You see some days im on top of the world i can conquer anything im unstoppable but im in my own world its not real as much as i want it to be. there is no off button for this mood though as appealing as it sounds its pretty hard to live with. switching off from the world like your invincible hurting people in your little tornado of excitement and pure unstoppable confidence.

Until it stops…

then you get guilt and question your self worth who you are whats made you this way. it all races through your mind 100 miles a hour and it doesn’t stop iv been in deep depression after mood swings like that. i could sleep for days switching off from the world no phones no door bell just not speaking to anyone isolating myself from anyone who cares because im so scared of being rejected that i force anyone away so they cant do it to me.

Some days i can cope

Some days i cant…

im starting to get the help i need to understand these problems and i know my silver lining is out there i just got to wait for the storm to pass.