Zombie Mummy

Last  night was my first night on my Sleeping Tablet Ban and if i said it was a easy ride i would be profoundly lying. It has made me realise how dependant i have become on them tiny little tablets that help so much in someways but can be so destructive in others.

My insomnia didn’t seem so bad until i didn’t have any tablets to take. then the endless hours of staring into the walls begun. I spent half my night arguing with myself about not having control over the endless thoughts rushing through my mind. while im exhausted over here i wish normal me would whisk me off to dream land! The rest of the night i spent flailing around the bed helplessly like a fish out of water longing for a comfortable position my body desires right now…

Next thing its morning and iv now got to face the real world utterly physically and mentally drained. I most certainly got up on the wrong side of the bed today that is for sure. Dragged a brush through my birds nest that iv clearly developed over the space of the last few hours, put my war paint on and am ready to face the world even if every part of me wants to drown my sorrows in pitiful ice cream binge and a marathon of come dine with me hiding from the world. As appealing as that is its not going to help any situation so the adventure begins Day one of Zombie Mummy.

So spending the day with my beautiful 2 year old who thinks he is the spawn of Chucky well at least today that is the persona he has taken it on himself to become. Zombie Mummy  over here is finding it hard to keep a happy face while tiredness takes over. searching for the matchsticks  to prop my eyelids up i smoke cigarettes like they are going out of fashion anything to get me outside walks to the shops, bike ride anything to keep my brain active and not let myself slip into a black hole of self pity.

I manage to make it through. I smiled through his day and he leaves happy. That makes me happy! (seeing him happy that is something i have been missing for a long time) That is my positive place i make myself go to when i feel myself slipping his smile his laugh the pictures of me and him its my happy place and as i drag myself through the rest of the day in this happy place desperately ignoring my anxiety breakdown i can feel looming in the back of my mind.

Self controls a Bitch its a hard bridge to build and im starting with matchsticks! I go over and over in my head the conclusions of buying more sleeping tablets. i argue with her she says buy them i say No! She says just in case you need them… I say You will only take them because you have them. She gives in…

I Won the argument this time not to say that its going to do me any favours tonight. When Those million mile a hour thoughts come out to play. Either way its a win this time and one step to a fully built self control bridge. And i might be physically and mentally drained from just one day but im so proud of myself for even coming this far today i adult-ed the shit out of life.

Maybe Tonight il try the whale Music 😉

 

 

 

 

 

Green Day – Where it all started…

Green days new album / Triggers / Right back where it all started

So the new green day song and tour dates have been announced and this is the perfect subject for me to start this hole “speaking out about my problems”. now let me say i thought my Green Day days where over they obviously are not and paranoid wreck of a girl or not this gig is top of my list . Music is my biggest trigger (not all of them are bad feelings i will admit) and these triggers can bring back memories of times I had put in a box and thought i had locked away for good. until you hear them few verses that meant so much to you once upon a time and then all of a sudden all these emotions i felt when i was at low points can come rushing back and this brings me here to talk about it clearly…

when i was a hormonal teenager music answered all my questions. I literally walked alone. (if your a green day fan you will understand this) You might say i was a troubled girl but really good at hiding emotions i had older boyfriends who i shouldn’t have i played with kids who probably weren’t much good for me and listened to music that probably didn’t help either but looking back now i realise these roles played a major role in my mental health adventure today. (if you had tried to tell me that then i probably would of done a runner for it) that was a speciality of teenage me. (still is if we are on the path to honesty)

Green day days where easy (at the time i thought they where the worst) i started self harming then lets just say i use to think i couldn’t ever get better and for what say a good 8 years i used failed relationship break downs and partying as my cover up it all looked pretty on the outside but i done myself no favours. its intense being unable to tell anyone being a young girl with such a lost head and too scared to admit her emotions and feelings. i look back and there has been ups but definitely a lot more downs but silver lining im still here and the demons iv created inside me haven’t quiet taken over just yet.

But in every post i write and every feeling i express and try to understand i want to make it a lesson something to remember and reflect on and learn from all in all.

(what i learn from this i probably should of stuck to gangsta rap instead of good old emo green day)

Top Tip- TALK TO SOMEONE – Choose anyone it helps let it out. Call a helpline if you do not want to tell anyone close to you. they will listen they wont interrupt and they cant see you so it makes it easier. Sometimes that is all you need to get you through. (it took me years to find the courage to do it myself so no stressing if you bottle it the first few times.)