Characteristics Or Me?

Today i am struggling. Yes i said it im not coping today. I am having a hard time connecting the dots im reading peoples emotions wrong im second guessing my worth and im getting stressed out. I don’t want to feel like this anymore! I feel Mad today i don’t know if im right or wrong. Are people just being nice to me because of my situation?

Not knowing if its you or your mind playing tricks on you is hard. Im finding it difficult to read people and to believe them. My mind tells me 100 things at once and i cant tell whats right. I let my thoughts run away with me. I try to confront people with questions of are you okay with me? Yet still don’t believe them when they answer.

Is it me or is it my characteristics of my BPD?  Im struggling to tell the difference between whats me and whats not! Days like this send me into deep depressive states, I just want to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep and not wake up till i feel normal again. People cant see whats eating me up on the inside and i don’t know how to explain it. I know im suppose to feel like this doesn’t stop me from finding it hard to deal with.

How do i communicate with normal people how do i hide my emotions from them. I don’t want to hurt them with the truth. I don’t want people to see me differently if i tell them how im feeling. Managing this on my own is hard im still waiting for my therapy its been nearly two months now since being diagnosed and i still feel like im stuck in limbo. Guess i just gotta put my smile on and carry on and wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Advertisements

Life In Border-Land

Image result for wonderland who am i
Bonkers? Mad? Beautiful minded or a lost soul. Sometimes it feels like wonderland. it can be a wonderfully mad place my border-land . I have come to terms with the way my mind works since my diagnosis. I think in a way it has helped me notice my triggers more. Iv started to learn to laugh at myself when i  get bad i manage to curb myself through the episodes at the moment. Maybe this is down to a touch of serendipity and fortunate turn of events, And one person throwing beautiful mind bending experiences into my world. That may have led me on the right path to normality  this time.

Looking at my mental health problems in a positive light and my symptoms as quirky traits has made it easier to deal with them people have put me down for years and used my triggers against me. Made me feel like im mad, problematic a drama queen. Always being made to feel like i am just a burden and that im the creator of the problems and feelings i experience. Having someone who sees me for me. Watches me everyday and never once has judged me for the little things that make my border-land mine, makes me feel invincible especially when im low he picks me up and dusts off the bad feelings and brings the light back into my world.

Being with someone so understanding of me so connected changed my life around. I never thought i could be so happy. Im not saying im a ray of sunshine all the time but i can see his light shinning through my storms and that is just what i needed. Hes just there for me he doesn’t try to cure me. and its as simple as that.

 

This is my response to today’s Daily Prompt.
Border

The Versatile Blogger Award!

Genuine BIG thank you to  Serendipitousbloom.com For nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award.  This has inspired me to keep going knowing i can support others whilst helping myself get closure. This is what i was looking for when i stated posting.

 

versatileaward

 

Award Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Share the award on your blog
  • Share seven random facts about yourself
  • Tag 10 bloggers with less than 1,000 followers and let them know that they have been nominated

 

My Random Facts- 

  • I like to travel on train or  bus journeys alone to listen to music and spend some time with myself alone but surrounded by people so im not to on my own.
  • I keep memory boxes full of bits and bobs from anything that inspired me.
  • I am a Sticker collector.
  • I dream to work in a zoo or in animal conservation. i have a huge passion for caring for animals.
  •  I am a very wild daydreamer i tend to get very lost in my mind.
  • I would love to one day live on the canal in a little dreamy barge with a little ferret and a wood burning stove.
  • I love to learn and Create i will let my mind run away with itself and most time the results can be magical.

 

Now to Tag Bloggers To Nominate –

katiereablog.wordpress.com

melancholydoll.wordpress.com

atribeuntangled.com/blog

borderlinemama.wordpress.com

iammyownisland.wordpress.com

I Have only chosen these 5 as i am new here and these are the few blogs i have come across that have inspired me and given me courage myself that im not alone. ❤

 

 

 

Remembering How to Laugh.. R u Ok Day?

Just recently iv found my giggle i felt like i lost a long time ago. Something that i thought i wouldn’t find again. My normal Me loves to laugh. I dream big and I achieve as much as i can when I’m up there my possibility’s are endless and i am on top of the world.

This is my positive post about the positives of my mental health adventures.  I prefer adventures  because it is not a issue  to me its my journey, Although it seems its harder to think about it in positive ways than i thought as i scroll through other stories and experiences i find it hard to take positive out of it all for myself.

What i am learning though is that i wasn’t the person I was before during or after my last episode and between them i realise there is a genuine 24 year old girl? Woman? Adult? not sure i meet the full criteria for that last one to be fair But none the less not just a Part time nutcase.

When i feel good my emotions race i can achieve anything its good i am unstoppable I’m also very destructive in my means of getting what I want. Sometimes ill admit actually a lot of the time my paths haven’t always been the cleanest but none the less i put my heart into anything that i feel right about. It feels amazing i get spurts of excitement and hyper behaviours my heart races i get warm fuzzy feeling like everything I’m feeling is precisely what I’m suppose to be doing like my soul is genuinely shining and when I’m there i don’t care what gets in my way  around me because it feels so right! Even when its the wrong thing to be doing completely…

These episodes i experience of hyper states and  waves of unbearable mood swings after effect me and i have not learnt how to control them yet. My first step to turning things positive is realising that the real person behind my personality disorder is a fully functioning human being and although I can be destructive in some paths I take I’m taking steps everyday towards the path I am meant for although i never know what the outcome may be  iv got a feeling  ill make it out of this alive.

I’m realising now that this is MY personality disorder since my diagnosis and i say MY in capitals because i feel you can have the same diagnosis as someone but every persons experience with it are different and the same with recovery. i use to just think i was just a hyperactive over emotional wreck of a person who couldn’t cope with the real world. Some people struggle with having a label such as a personality disorder i mean it does sound pretty mental the first time you hear it and it is daunting. Personally I used it as a positive i can understand myself better through my diagnosis i can understand thinking patterns better and through the help i now realise I need I can start learning how to function better.

I have more control than i give myself credit for at the moment, And its hard to remind myself of this when I’m loosing that grip. I have re read this line 100 times and although i know i am kind of right i still cant believe myself but i have to keep going. Positive post and all that jazz.

So today is R u Ok Day? And it is a post to be positive about and it brings me to Friendship. It takes a lot for another person to ask if your okay when they aren’t to sure if they are okay themselves. I feel like i have let a lot of people down recently and I’m finding it hard to put into words how devastating it is when relationships with friends and family break down due to mental health. Its the hardest thing to admit to and when you notice the destruction you can cause your head can become a very scary place. To the ones who stuck by me through these last couple of years i take my hat off to no matter the problems no matter how nasty or cold i have been towards them they still make the effort to ask me if i am okay. And that is the reason i am still here to this day the little lights at the end of my dark tunnels i get myself lost in.

So when your next lost in your next tunnel don’t be scared of the person who ask if your okay. They have problems to. Remember its okay not to be okay. I’m still not okay but I’m coping and speaking out about it here and to my friends and family is drastically helping me. I was shit scared of it at first don’t get me wrong but even these baby steps are slowly making me feel human  even if its just for a while and I’m going to enjoy it!

http://www.ruok.org.au

#RUOKAY

Here’s To The Good Times

So… i started this blog to let out a bit of steam i suppose and because although it seems real easy to other people my life is upside down inside out all over the place and most of the time i struggle to know which way is up in this jumbled up place i call my mind. But iv come to realise i cant really tell people what goes on in my mind because im scared they will think i am Crazy i mean i question myself enough already right?

so here goes my take at letting it out in a kind of self help realisation kinda way but at the same time learning lessons about myself and my problems and overcoming whatever adventures lay ahead to get me to becoming a better version of me now.

If every cloud has a silver lining  there must be a little glittery outline around my storm cloud at the moment and the sooner it shines the better. im optimistic. (today)

You see some days im on top of the world i can conquer anything im unstoppable but im in my own world its not real as much as i want it to be. there is no off button for this mood though as appealing as it sounds its pretty hard to live with. switching off from the world like your invincible hurting people in your little tornado of excitement and pure unstoppable confidence.

Until it stops…

then you get guilt and question your self worth who you are whats made you this way. it all races through your mind 100 miles a hour and it doesn’t stop iv been in deep depression after mood swings like that. i could sleep for days switching off from the world no phones no door bell just not speaking to anyone isolating myself from anyone who cares because im so scared of being rejected that i force anyone away so they cant do it to me.

Some days i can cope

Some days i cant…

im starting to get the help i need to understand these problems and i know my silver lining is out there i just got to wait for the storm to pass.