Zombie Mummy

Last  night was my first night on my Sleeping Tablet Ban and if i said it was a easy ride i would be profoundly lying. It has made me realise how dependant i have become on them tiny little tablets that help so much in someways but can be so destructive in others.

My insomnia didn’t seem so bad until i didn’t have any tablets to take. then the endless hours of staring into the walls begun. I spent half my night arguing with myself about not having control over the endless thoughts rushing through my mind. while im exhausted over here i wish normal me would whisk me off to dream land! The rest of the night i spent flailing around the bed helplessly like a fish out of water longing for a comfortable position my body desires right now…

Next thing its morning and iv now got to face the real world utterly physically and mentally drained. I most certainly got up on the wrong side of the bed today that is for sure. Dragged a brush through my birds nest that iv clearly developed over the space of the last few hours, put my war paint on and am ready to face the world even if every part of me wants to drown my sorrows in pitiful ice cream binge and a marathon of come dine with me hiding from the world. As appealing as that is its not going to help any situation so the adventure begins Day one of Zombie Mummy.

So spending the day with my beautiful 2 year old who thinks he is the spawn of Chucky well at least today that is the persona he has taken it on himself to become. Zombie Mummy  over here is finding it hard to keep a happy face while tiredness takes over. searching for the matchsticks  to prop my eyelids up i smoke cigarettes like they are going out of fashion anything to get me outside walks to the shops, bike ride anything to keep my brain active and not let myself slip into a black hole of self pity.

I manage to make it through. I smiled through his day and he leaves happy. That makes me happy! (seeing him happy that is something i have been missing for a long time) That is my positive place i make myself go to when i feel myself slipping his smile his laugh the pictures of me and him its my happy place and as i drag myself through the rest of the day in this happy place desperately ignoring my anxiety breakdown i can feel looming in the back of my mind.

Self controls a Bitch its a hard bridge to build and im starting with matchsticks! I go over and over in my head the conclusions of buying more sleeping tablets. i argue with her she says buy them i say No! She says just in case you need them… I say You will only take them because you have them. She gives in…

I Won the argument this time not to say that its going to do me any favours tonight. When Those million mile a hour thoughts come out to play. Either way its a win this time and one step to a fully built self control bridge. And i might be physically and mentally drained from just one day but im so proud of myself for even coming this far today i adult-ed the shit out of life.

Maybe Tonight il try the whale Music 😉

 

 

 

 

 

Cold Turkey + Step 7…

So my cold turkey attempt at no sleeping tablets tonight’s brings me to Self harm step 7.

So i come across this 7 steps on the Things people should know about self harm post by the Metro.
http://metro.co.uk/2016/09/04/7-things-people-should-know-about-self-harm-6085755/

And it brought me to my insomnia and my uphill struggle with self harm.

step 7. says you cant just quit, this has been the hardest thing for me since i first ever started self harming many moons ago and Is also clearly the reason i cant sleep on my DAY 1 SLEEPING TABLET BAN..

With my personality disorder the slightest thing can trigger my self harm mode this is what i call my episodes of manic depression that lead me to hurting myself. It can start days before and i can talk myself down from it or something can happen  and i have no control of this and go from normal girl to unbearably suicidal and that self harm mode can go into full self destruct mode in minutes its hard to control and its even harder getting over these episodes.

After you feel so ashamed, feel almost disgusted at the lack of self control on causing harm to your own body you cover it up you try not let anyone see your petrified of the judging eyes looming over your scars you cut in places people cant see and look in the mirror every night at that lame excuse of a girl who cant control her own mind to stop JUST STOP i could scream in my head at her but she wouldn’t listen, then you wake up the next day riddled with shame you carry on with your day…

just like a normal person would right?

I originally started writing this post about my self harm the other day on the bus and as i tried  to stay positive looking at the people around me paranoid they are looking at me my anxiety goes through the roof and I sit n bite my nails and  think about it and come to the conclusion that this is the hardest of all problems for me to come to terms with and speak out about because iv always been so scared of judgement from “the other people” the ones who couldn’t imagine feeling so low that you would physically hurt yourself to get away from your own mind. You see Iv never spoken out about my self harm before…

What I have come to realise is it takes strength to fight those urges this part of my personality goes through and you are not weak for giving into them either. Every time is a lesson learnt a new step taken even if you didn’t win the battle  this time your still alive right? I have found it seems there’s no such thing as quitting you just learn self control and some days its easier to do than others. it took me many years to realise this is where i come when i cant cope so my coping techniques are what I’m working on and its kinda helping.

Everyone slips up everyone does things they know they shouldn’t do Right? So this is one of mine i know it hurts other people to see my cuts and i try to hide them so i don’t have to explain the difficulty i go through everyday to control it. but i know in the deepest of dark thoughts that there is that silver lining and that its just a bit cloudy today.

Now maybe letting all that off my chest will help me with the insomnia i suffer with going cold turkey on these sleeping tablets is a very hard step for me and on the topic of step 7 you cant just stop. i probably will give in and use tablets to help my sleeping again but until then this one step forward is better than none and Who knows i guess i can always try whale music or something next.