Become zero

Vanish

You ever experience them days when your mind goes dark on you and no matter what you do you cant take your focus off it. No matter what you do it diverts you back down there its frustrating and stressful.

Today my anxiety is eating me alive looming in the distance i have a event to attend and im shitting it to say the least. Im amazing at hiding this, well i say im amazing i drop hint bombs out there like hey im so uncomfortable right now…  but what am i looking for when i do you cant come in my mind put your torch on and look for my sanity can you?

im crazy social with people i know  btw but when it comes to newbies and especially newbies that are good friends with oldies i freak.  WHYYYY??
I eat myself up in here trying to tell myself be brave young one you have the power, but underneath in my belly i feel that feeling i cant quiet describe as if its like bubbling say dont forget me im going to make you work for this girly.

That niggling voice in the back of my head making me be the girl that awkwardly smiling in the corner makes me angry at myself. Mainly because i know the girl i can be when im comfortable or when iv got that fire lit and and the moment i just cant seem to find it well i can but not as much as i know im capable of.

When things happen in your life like little things that make you second guess your worth or who you thought you where. makes you want to vanish into thin air it makes all the little corners of my brain shake n i get all worked up in so  many ways. Im trying so hard to not let this phase my progress im calling my last post a slight relapse but im still kinda lost over here.

Always trust your gut instincts they say… what does that mean when your mind plays tricks on you is it instincts or is it all your overthinking?  its hard to want to protect yourself but at the same time tell the difference between you and reality…

Well its been a while

so i haven’t posted on  here in a while because i was so busy with feeling normal i forgot how it felt to need a release. But guess what im still mental and i clearly still have severe problems up there. i just cant get life right! my mind is a maze and im in stuck in here like a prisoner.

So update on me is im feeling vulnerable as ever right now. i very nearly walked to that bridge n just carried on going but i cant can i because i don’t want to hurt anyone i don’t want them to feel as bad as i do right now.

So i hurt myself to take away the pain and its such a thrill to feel okay for a few seconds i wish it would last but it doesn’t and then it all starts all over again reality… not that you truly left it in the first place just feels normal for a minute and i dont know why i wish it didn’t but i just cant stop it when i hurt inside its like something takes over me and i hurt myself i wish i was different

i wish my outlook on life was different i wish i could be normal have normal feelings and do normal things when i get hurt but instead im this fucked up version of me that i cant control and it scares me……