Characteristics Or Me?

Today i am struggling. Yes i said it im not coping today. I am having a hard time connecting the dots im reading peoples emotions wrong im second guessing my worth and im getting stressed out. I don’t want to feel like this anymore! I feel Mad today i don’t know if im right or wrong. Are people just being nice to me because of my situation?

Not knowing if its you or your mind playing tricks on you is hard. Im finding it difficult to read people and to believe them. My mind tells me 100 things at once and i cant tell whats right. I let my thoughts run away with me. I try to confront people with questions of are you okay with me? Yet still don’t believe them when they answer.

Is it me or is it my characteristics of my BPD?  Im struggling to tell the difference between whats me and whats not! Days like this send me into deep depressive states, I just want to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep and not wake up till i feel normal again. People cant see whats eating me up on the inside and i don’t know how to explain it. I know im suppose to feel like this doesn’t stop me from finding it hard to deal with.

How do i communicate with normal people how do i hide my emotions from them. I don’t want to hurt them with the truth. I don’t want people to see me differently if i tell them how im feeling. Managing this on my own is hard im still waiting for my therapy its been nearly two months now since being diagnosed and i still feel like im stuck in limbo. Guess i just gotta put my smile on and carry on and wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Zombie Mummy

Last  night was my first night on my Sleeping Tablet Ban and if i said it was a easy ride i would be profoundly lying. It has made me realise how dependant i have become on them tiny little tablets that help so much in someways but can be so destructive in others.

My insomnia didn’t seem so bad until i didn’t have any tablets to take. then the endless hours of staring into the walls begun. I spent half my night arguing with myself about not having control over the endless thoughts rushing through my mind. while im exhausted over here i wish normal me would whisk me off to dream land! The rest of the night i spent flailing around the bed helplessly like a fish out of water longing for a comfortable position my body desires right now…

Next thing its morning and iv now got to face the real world utterly physically and mentally drained. I most certainly got up on the wrong side of the bed today that is for sure. Dragged a brush through my birds nest that iv clearly developed over the space of the last few hours, put my war paint on and am ready to face the world even if every part of me wants to drown my sorrows in pitiful ice cream binge and a marathon of come dine with me hiding from the world. As appealing as that is its not going to help any situation so the adventure begins Day one of Zombie Mummy.

So spending the day with my beautiful 2 year old who thinks he is the spawn of Chucky well at least today that is the persona he has taken it on himself to become. Zombie Mummy  over here is finding it hard to keep a happy face while tiredness takes over. searching for the matchsticks  to prop my eyelids up i smoke cigarettes like they are going out of fashion anything to get me outside walks to the shops, bike ride anything to keep my brain active and not let myself slip into a black hole of self pity.

I manage to make it through. I smiled through his day and he leaves happy. That makes me happy! (seeing him happy that is something i have been missing for a long time) That is my positive place i make myself go to when i feel myself slipping his smile his laugh the pictures of me and him its my happy place and as i drag myself through the rest of the day in this happy place desperately ignoring my anxiety breakdown i can feel looming in the back of my mind.

Self controls a Bitch its a hard bridge to build and im starting with matchsticks! I go over and over in my head the conclusions of buying more sleeping tablets. i argue with her she says buy them i say No! She says just in case you need them… I say You will only take them because you have them. She gives in…

I Won the argument this time not to say that its going to do me any favours tonight. When Those million mile a hour thoughts come out to play. Either way its a win this time and one step to a fully built self control bridge. And i might be physically and mentally drained from just one day but im so proud of myself for even coming this far today i adult-ed the shit out of life.

Maybe Tonight il try the whale Music 😉

 

 

 

 

 

Cold Turkey + Step 7…

So my cold turkey attempt at no sleeping tablets tonight’s brings me to Self harm step 7.

So i come across this 7 steps on the Things people should know about self harm post by the Metro.
http://metro.co.uk/2016/09/04/7-things-people-should-know-about-self-harm-6085755/

And it brought me to my insomnia and my uphill struggle with self harm.

step 7. says you cant just quit, this has been the hardest thing for me since i first ever started self harming many moons ago and Is also clearly the reason i cant sleep on my DAY 1 SLEEPING TABLET BAN..

With my personality disorder the slightest thing can trigger my self harm mode this is what i call my episodes of manic depression that lead me to hurting myself. It can start days before and i can talk myself down from it or something can happen  and i have no control of this and go from normal girl to unbearably suicidal and that self harm mode can go into full self destruct mode in minutes its hard to control and its even harder getting over these episodes.

After you feel so ashamed, feel almost disgusted at the lack of self control on causing harm to your own body you cover it up you try not let anyone see your petrified of the judging eyes looming over your scars you cut in places people cant see and look in the mirror every night at that lame excuse of a girl who cant control her own mind to stop JUST STOP i could scream in my head at her but she wouldn’t listen, then you wake up the next day riddled with shame you carry on with your day…

just like a normal person would right?

I originally started writing this post about my self harm the other day on the bus and as i tried  to stay positive looking at the people around me paranoid they are looking at me my anxiety goes through the roof and I sit n bite my nails and  think about it and come to the conclusion that this is the hardest of all problems for me to come to terms with and speak out about because iv always been so scared of judgement from “the other people” the ones who couldn’t imagine feeling so low that you would physically hurt yourself to get away from your own mind. You see Iv never spoken out about my self harm before…

What I have come to realise is it takes strength to fight those urges this part of my personality goes through and you are not weak for giving into them either. Every time is a lesson learnt a new step taken even if you didn’t win the battle  this time your still alive right? I have found it seems there’s no such thing as quitting you just learn self control and some days its easier to do than others. it took me many years to realise this is where i come when i cant cope so my coping techniques are what I’m working on and its kinda helping.

Everyone slips up everyone does things they know they shouldn’t do Right? So this is one of mine i know it hurts other people to see my cuts and i try to hide them so i don’t have to explain the difficulty i go through everyday to control it. but i know in the deepest of dark thoughts that there is that silver lining and that its just a bit cloudy today.

Now maybe letting all that off my chest will help me with the insomnia i suffer with going cold turkey on these sleeping tablets is a very hard step for me and on the topic of step 7 you cant just stop. i probably will give in and use tablets to help my sleeping again but until then this one step forward is better than none and Who knows i guess i can always try whale music or something next.

Remembering How to Laugh.. R u Ok Day?

Just recently iv found my giggle i felt like i lost a long time ago. Something that i thought i wouldn’t find again. My normal Me loves to laugh. I dream big and I achieve as much as i can when I’m up there my possibility’s are endless and i am on top of the world.

This is my positive post about the positives of my mental health adventures.  I prefer adventures  because it is not a issue  to me its my journey, Although it seems its harder to think about it in positive ways than i thought as i scroll through other stories and experiences i find it hard to take positive out of it all for myself.

What i am learning though is that i wasn’t the person I was before during or after my last episode and between them i realise there is a genuine 24 year old girl? Woman? Adult? not sure i meet the full criteria for that last one to be fair But none the less not just a Part time nutcase.

When i feel good my emotions race i can achieve anything its good i am unstoppable I’m also very destructive in my means of getting what I want. Sometimes ill admit actually a lot of the time my paths haven’t always been the cleanest but none the less i put my heart into anything that i feel right about. It feels amazing i get spurts of excitement and hyper behaviours my heart races i get warm fuzzy feeling like everything I’m feeling is precisely what I’m suppose to be doing like my soul is genuinely shining and when I’m there i don’t care what gets in my way  around me because it feels so right! Even when its the wrong thing to be doing completely…

These episodes i experience of hyper states and  waves of unbearable mood swings after effect me and i have not learnt how to control them yet. My first step to turning things positive is realising that the real person behind my personality disorder is a fully functioning human being and although I can be destructive in some paths I take I’m taking steps everyday towards the path I am meant for although i never know what the outcome may be  iv got a feeling  ill make it out of this alive.

I’m realising now that this is MY personality disorder since my diagnosis and i say MY in capitals because i feel you can have the same diagnosis as someone but every persons experience with it are different and the same with recovery. i use to just think i was just a hyperactive over emotional wreck of a person who couldn’t cope with the real world. Some people struggle with having a label such as a personality disorder i mean it does sound pretty mental the first time you hear it and it is daunting. Personally I used it as a positive i can understand myself better through my diagnosis i can understand thinking patterns better and through the help i now realise I need I can start learning how to function better.

I have more control than i give myself credit for at the moment, And its hard to remind myself of this when I’m loosing that grip. I have re read this line 100 times and although i know i am kind of right i still cant believe myself but i have to keep going. Positive post and all that jazz.

So today is R u Ok Day? And it is a post to be positive about and it brings me to Friendship. It takes a lot for another person to ask if your okay when they aren’t to sure if they are okay themselves. I feel like i have let a lot of people down recently and I’m finding it hard to put into words how devastating it is when relationships with friends and family break down due to mental health. Its the hardest thing to admit to and when you notice the destruction you can cause your head can become a very scary place. To the ones who stuck by me through these last couple of years i take my hat off to no matter the problems no matter how nasty or cold i have been towards them they still make the effort to ask me if i am okay. And that is the reason i am still here to this day the little lights at the end of my dark tunnels i get myself lost in.

So when your next lost in your next tunnel don’t be scared of the person who ask if your okay. They have problems to. Remember its okay not to be okay. I’m still not okay but I’m coping and speaking out about it here and to my friends and family is drastically helping me. I was shit scared of it at first don’t get me wrong but even these baby steps are slowly making me feel human  even if its just for a while and I’m going to enjoy it!

http://www.ruok.org.au

#RUOKAY

Here’s To The Good Times

So… i started this blog to let out a bit of steam i suppose and because although it seems real easy to other people my life is upside down inside out all over the place and most of the time i struggle to know which way is up in this jumbled up place i call my mind. But iv come to realise i cant really tell people what goes on in my mind because im scared they will think i am Crazy i mean i question myself enough already right?

so here goes my take at letting it out in a kind of self help realisation kinda way but at the same time learning lessons about myself and my problems and overcoming whatever adventures lay ahead to get me to becoming a better version of me now.

If every cloud has a silver lining  there must be a little glittery outline around my storm cloud at the moment and the sooner it shines the better. im optimistic. (today)

You see some days im on top of the world i can conquer anything im unstoppable but im in my own world its not real as much as i want it to be. there is no off button for this mood though as appealing as it sounds its pretty hard to live with. switching off from the world like your invincible hurting people in your little tornado of excitement and pure unstoppable confidence.

Until it stops…

then you get guilt and question your self worth who you are whats made you this way. it all races through your mind 100 miles a hour and it doesn’t stop iv been in deep depression after mood swings like that. i could sleep for days switching off from the world no phones no door bell just not speaking to anyone isolating myself from anyone who cares because im so scared of being rejected that i force anyone away so they cant do it to me.

Some days i can cope

Some days i cant…

im starting to get the help i need to understand these problems and i know my silver lining is out there i just got to wait for the storm to pass.