There once was a little girl…

And she was ever so brave, now that little girls all grown up. Bravery doesn’t come so easy. Living with bpd on a good day can be just as daunting as it can be on a bad day. These last few days iv had my rollercoaster week up and downs like you could never imagine hormoanes flying all over the shop creating an un inhabitable place to live  in my head. 

I have little help with my issues getting a therapy session where I live is next to impossible  you might aswell be dead before they recognise your problems. A lot of the time I spend chasing these appointments handing in risk assessments and making phone calls to be told they can’t find me on the system and that I must start all over again. It’s tedious and personally I gave up trying. 

Living in a mind that splits different parts of your inner self into separate personalitys, ones that can skip between themselves with the smallest of triggers is daunting and nerve racking. I want to scream out for help most days but my anxiety also won’t let me show how my bpd effects me in the day to day life I live. 

I started looking through my memory boxes the other night. Ever since I was a little girl I have had an obsessive need to be wanted. I have excessively hoarded train tickets and valentines presents, photos, stones from beaches storys I use to write about in school about boys in my life anything I could get my hands on to keep to remember. 

Looking back this is a serious emotional defect in such a young girl. I started self harming quiet young with little reason to feel that low in myself. I had issues that I couldn’t  explain, I got blamed for just being a naughty problem child so I left home and dealt with my emotional problems myself with little support. I thought I was a strong independent girl, reality check I was a lost little soul that could of done with a guardian angel to protect me. 

But nothing can protect you from the inner emotions you suppress as a bpd suffer you don’t realise the emotional backlash you create for yourself. From just one thought, one thing you feel bad about can make a hole avenue of serious emotions that are a struggle to categorise. I still haven’t mastered the art of not giving a fuck. I still feel everyone wants to leav me my emotional problems lay within abandonment I have issues but I’m working on it right now every second I’m battling with that constant inner emotion and I will win this time because I am learning to live with my bpd and although I may not seem like I  have control in my past posts. I do and no matter how far up or how low down I get I’m more in control now than ever… 

Characteristics Or Me?

Today i am struggling. Yes i said it im not coping today. I am having a hard time connecting the dots im reading peoples emotions wrong im second guessing my worth and im getting stressed out. I don’t want to feel like this anymore! I feel Mad today i don’t know if im right or wrong. Are people just being nice to me because of my situation?

Not knowing if its you or your mind playing tricks on you is hard. Im finding it difficult to read people and to believe them. My mind tells me 100 things at once and i cant tell whats right. I let my thoughts run away with me. I try to confront people with questions of are you okay with me? Yet still don’t believe them when they answer.

Is it me or is it my characteristics of my BPD?  Im struggling to tell the difference between whats me and whats not! Days like this send me into deep depressive states, I just want to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep and not wake up till i feel normal again. People cant see whats eating me up on the inside and i don’t know how to explain it. I know im suppose to feel like this doesn’t stop me from finding it hard to deal with.

How do i communicate with normal people how do i hide my emotions from them. I don’t want to hurt them with the truth. I don’t want people to see me differently if i tell them how im feeling. Managing this on my own is hard im still waiting for my therapy its been nearly two months now since being diagnosed and i still feel like im stuck in limbo. Guess i just gotta put my smile on and carry on and wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Life In Border-Land

Image result for wonderland who am i
Bonkers? Mad? Beautiful minded or a lost soul. Sometimes it feels like wonderland. it can be a wonderfully mad place my border-land . I have come to terms with the way my mind works since my diagnosis. I think in a way it has helped me notice my triggers more. Iv started to learn to laugh at myself when i  get bad i manage to curb myself through the episodes at the moment. Maybe this is down to a touch of serendipity and fortunate turn of events, And one person throwing beautiful mind bending experiences into my world. That may have led me on the right path to normality  this time.

Looking at my mental health problems in a positive light and my symptoms as quirky traits has made it easier to deal with them people have put me down for years and used my triggers against me. Made me feel like im mad, problematic a drama queen. Always being made to feel like i am just a burden and that im the creator of the problems and feelings i experience. Having someone who sees me for me. Watches me everyday and never once has judged me for the little things that make my border-land mine, makes me feel invincible especially when im low he picks me up and dusts off the bad feelings and brings the light back into my world.

Being with someone so understanding of me so connected changed my life around. I never thought i could be so happy. Im not saying im a ray of sunshine all the time but i can see his light shinning through my storms and that is just what i needed. Hes just there for me he doesn’t try to cure me. and its as simple as that.

 

This is my response to today’s Daily Prompt.
Border

The Versatile Blogger Award!

Genuine BIG thank you to  Serendipitousbloom.com For nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award.  This has inspired me to keep going knowing i can support others whilst helping myself get closure. This is what i was looking for when i stated posting.

 

versatileaward

 

Award Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Share the award on your blog
  • Share seven random facts about yourself
  • Tag 10 bloggers with less than 1,000 followers and let them know that they have been nominated

 

My Random Facts- 

  • I like to travel on train or  bus journeys alone to listen to music and spend some time with myself alone but surrounded by people so im not to on my own.
  • I keep memory boxes full of bits and bobs from anything that inspired me.
  • I am a Sticker collector.
  • I dream to work in a zoo or in animal conservation. i have a huge passion for caring for animals.
  •  I am a very wild daydreamer i tend to get very lost in my mind.
  • I would love to one day live on the canal in a little dreamy barge with a little ferret and a wood burning stove.
  • I love to learn and Create i will let my mind run away with itself and most time the results can be magical.

 

Now to Tag Bloggers To Nominate –

katiereablog.wordpress.com

melancholydoll.wordpress.com

atribeuntangled.com/blog

borderlinemama.wordpress.com

iammyownisland.wordpress.com

I Have only chosen these 5 as i am new here and these are the few blogs i have come across that have inspired me and given me courage myself that im not alone. ❤

 

 

 

Fragile Little Soul.

Fragile

So Today’s Daily Prompt seemed to fit perfectly into my little world. I have Just got out of hospital, for once its nothing to do with my mental health I actually had a virus. Totally took over my body and ruled me from the inside out. Think the nurses where glad to see the back of my consistent moaning.

It was a long 24 hours i mean iv been through a 32 hour labour an emergency C-section an Uninvited doses of penicillin (might i put that i am severely allergic) And this last hospital spout has been worse, i would of rather had another C-section than feel the way i did before they sedated me!

One thing i learnt from this visit was the way you get treated differently after a mental health diagnosis it really hit home. When i first arrived at A and E i was unbelievably dehydrated and felt like i had bugs crawling under my skin, i was grey and retching like i had the devil in my belly. I got taken in straight away they clearly didn’t want me in the waiting room throwing my life up on other patients.They put me in a room in the majors department of A and E i had what looked like a lovely little lady short blonde hair she was nice for the first 5 minutes until she got my notes up.

That’s when her attitude towards me became rude and uncaring. She called me a Drama Queen and told me the reason i feel the way i do is because i have mental health problems and that it was all to do with my anxiety. Pretty much telling me my symptoms that may i say where clearly visible i was sweating buckets and shivering i didn’t think anxiety caused sickness the way i was throwing up was clearly a virus anyone could see. She told me i couldn’t drink anything and stuck a cannula in my arm and left me to it.

What seemed like hours had passed she had only put fluids on my drip so my fever was rushing through my body like it was pumping out my heart and taking over my brain i was delirious confused and very scared, pins and needles took over my hands and legs and strangely enough my chin. I told my nurse because pins and needs is surely never a good sign in any case. She told me i was being a hypochondriac and that if i didn’t stop making myself sick then she has no choice but to send me home. Apparently she can see nothing wrong in the ONE! blood test she took when i got there and im disturbing the other patients with the awful noise im apparently making on purpose. Like i went into that hospital with the full intentions of pissing of the old lady that fell out of bed this morning with my awful retching noise that i must of been practising to get so on point.

I was almost begging her to give me something to stop me being sick i couldn’t take it anymore i was worn out i had been throwing up since 4am it was now 1pm in the afternoon, I hadn’t even managed to keep in a sip of water without it coming straight back out. i pleaded with her in a bid to get her to believe me that i wasn’t putting this on she insisted it was just my anxiety and that even if it was a stomach bug NORMAL people deal with them at home,I must be a fucking Lunatic then this must all be in my head just because i have a mental health condition it must be impossible for me to genuinely be ill and i must be putting it all on because im crackers.

I felt degraded as a person i questioned myself about my symptoms thinking surely my brain cant have this much control over me. i cant be creating all these symptoms how would that be possible. i know i have a mental health condition but im not a chemically imbalanced super human. I WAS ILL i wouldn’t of dragged myself to a hospital if i didn’t think i needed it. Its bad enough i get sent there when i do not want to go let alone going on my own accord i would of just stayed in bed wallowed n threw up in my saucepan some more.

The doctor came along started telling me the nurse had noticed my scars and wanted to talk to me. She asked me questions about my home life and my current mental state. She almost said in a accusing way that my self harm was the cause of my fever. I was disgusted i could hardly speak to her i was drooling out my mouth like a rabies riddled animal and your telling me my recent mental health diagnosis is causing this and that i couldn’t of picked up the virus my son had a few days ago NO!!! your mental it must be all made up you can stop all this its all in your head.

They booked me in to the ward and as i got moved about i couldn’t see anything around me it felt like everything was spinning i begged for some more anti sickness nothing was working they could clearly see. A new nurse came to see me he asked if i was able to drink water i told him the previous nurse stopped me drinking, He looked shocked and got me a cup of water straight away. He said take it slow small sips she should never have told you to stop taking in water at all. So he went and got one last anti sickness to try and it worked. Then out come the sleeping tablets they knocked me sideways and i woke up the next morning like i had just done ten rounds with mike Tyson and looked like i had been dragged through a bush backwards.

I had stopped being sick by the morning and the doctor that seen me the day before was gone and the new one was a hell of a lot more medically understanding she acknowledged me as a patient and not a nut job. She told me she had seen my x-rays and can see some build up, that i clearly had been suffering with a nasty virus that my blood pressure and what not had been up and down through the night and she was prescribing me more fluids before she discharged me home. For the first time i realised my mental health effected the judgement of the other nurse and her influence on the doctor affected my care in such a awful way.

I am Feeling Okay now but im not so certain about the next time i get ill. iv never had much luck in hospitals but this was by far the most degrading experience i have experienced in all my years!

Serendipity

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
“a fortunate stroke of serendipity”

Which brings me to this  weekend and the series of fortunate events that happened in such a short space of  time. I cried tears of happiness for the first time in years and delved deeply into the soul of some really beautiful people. made relationships that will last a life time and learnt lessons about my mind i didn’t know existed.

I learnt how to dream again. I realised i had forgotten my creative side. I use to be so imaginative this weekend brought all that back to me. I felt like the Cheshire Cat laughing to levels i didn’t even know existed. i was queen of my castle.

Some days my mind can loose its self and its not a bad thing im coming to terms with my mood swings and taking a handle on them one emotion at a time. The Thing is there is no rush i am who i am and i will always be her i cant change that but i can learn to live with myself and not hate who i am. its not something that comes easy and its certainly an adventure and who knows what tomorrow might bring.

The highs to my  personality disorder can be positive and im making them that one lesson at a time. Somebody once said to me Your only as high as your imagination can take you. I just need to Believe in myself some more.

My Monday although i felt hungover and shit. I Genuinely feel like i am radiating positivity and i intend to spread this positivity! So no matter what your going through try to imagine something beautiful and create a place that makes you happy even if its only for a short while. Dream Big no matter whats holding you down.

 

Remembering How to Laugh.. R u Ok Day?

Just recently iv found my giggle i felt like i lost a long time ago. Something that i thought i wouldn’t find again. My normal Me loves to laugh. I dream big and I achieve as much as i can when I’m up there my possibility’s are endless and i am on top of the world.

This is my positive post about the positives of my mental health adventures.  I prefer adventures  because it is not a issue  to me its my journey, Although it seems its harder to think about it in positive ways than i thought as i scroll through other stories and experiences i find it hard to take positive out of it all for myself.

What i am learning though is that i wasn’t the person I was before during or after my last episode and between them i realise there is a genuine 24 year old girl? Woman? Adult? not sure i meet the full criteria for that last one to be fair But none the less not just a Part time nutcase.

When i feel good my emotions race i can achieve anything its good i am unstoppable I’m also very destructive in my means of getting what I want. Sometimes ill admit actually a lot of the time my paths haven’t always been the cleanest but none the less i put my heart into anything that i feel right about. It feels amazing i get spurts of excitement and hyper behaviours my heart races i get warm fuzzy feeling like everything I’m feeling is precisely what I’m suppose to be doing like my soul is genuinely shining and when I’m there i don’t care what gets in my way  around me because it feels so right! Even when its the wrong thing to be doing completely…

These episodes i experience of hyper states and  waves of unbearable mood swings after effect me and i have not learnt how to control them yet. My first step to turning things positive is realising that the real person behind my personality disorder is a fully functioning human being and although I can be destructive in some paths I take I’m taking steps everyday towards the path I am meant for although i never know what the outcome may be  iv got a feeling  ill make it out of this alive.

I’m realising now that this is MY personality disorder since my diagnosis and i say MY in capitals because i feel you can have the same diagnosis as someone but every persons experience with it are different and the same with recovery. i use to just think i was just a hyperactive over emotional wreck of a person who couldn’t cope with the real world. Some people struggle with having a label such as a personality disorder i mean it does sound pretty mental the first time you hear it and it is daunting. Personally I used it as a positive i can understand myself better through my diagnosis i can understand thinking patterns better and through the help i now realise I need I can start learning how to function better.

I have more control than i give myself credit for at the moment, And its hard to remind myself of this when I’m loosing that grip. I have re read this line 100 times and although i know i am kind of right i still cant believe myself but i have to keep going. Positive post and all that jazz.

So today is R u Ok Day? And it is a post to be positive about and it brings me to Friendship. It takes a lot for another person to ask if your okay when they aren’t to sure if they are okay themselves. I feel like i have let a lot of people down recently and I’m finding it hard to put into words how devastating it is when relationships with friends and family break down due to mental health. Its the hardest thing to admit to and when you notice the destruction you can cause your head can become a very scary place. To the ones who stuck by me through these last couple of years i take my hat off to no matter the problems no matter how nasty or cold i have been towards them they still make the effort to ask me if i am okay. And that is the reason i am still here to this day the little lights at the end of my dark tunnels i get myself lost in.

So when your next lost in your next tunnel don’t be scared of the person who ask if your okay. They have problems to. Remember its okay not to be okay. I’m still not okay but I’m coping and speaking out about it here and to my friends and family is drastically helping me. I was shit scared of it at first don’t get me wrong but even these baby steps are slowly making me feel human  even if its just for a while and I’m going to enjoy it!

http://www.ruok.org.au

#RUOKAY