Serendipity

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
“a fortunate stroke of serendipity”

Which brings me to this  weekend and the series of fortunate events that happened in such a short space of  time. I cried tears of happiness for the first time in years and delved deeply into the soul of some really beautiful people. made relationships that will last a life time and learnt lessons about my mind i didn’t know existed.

I learnt how to dream again. I realised i had forgotten my creative side. I use to be so imaginative this weekend brought all that back to me. I felt like the Cheshire Cat laughing to levels i didn’t even know existed. i was queen of my castle.

Some days my mind can loose its self and its not a bad thing im coming to terms with my mood swings and taking a handle on them one emotion at a time. The Thing is there is no rush i am who i am and i will always be her i cant change that but i can learn to live with myself and not hate who i am. its not something that comes easy and its certainly an adventure and who knows what tomorrow might bring.

The highs to my  personality disorder can be positive and im making them that one lesson at a time. Somebody once said to me Your only as high as your imagination can take you. I just need to Believe in myself some more.

My Monday although i felt hungover and shit. I Genuinely feel like i am radiating positivity and i intend to spread this positivity! So no matter what your going through try to imagine something beautiful and create a place that makes you happy even if its only for a short while. Dream Big no matter whats holding you down.

 

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Remembering How to Laugh.. R u Ok Day?

Just recently iv found my giggle i felt like i lost a long time ago. Something that i thought i wouldn’t find again. My normal Me loves to laugh. I dream big and I achieve as much as i can when I’m up there my possibility’s are endless and i am on top of the world.

This is my positive post about the positives of my mental health adventures.  I prefer adventures  because it is not a issue  to me its my journey, Although it seems its harder to think about it in positive ways than i thought as i scroll through other stories and experiences i find it hard to take positive out of it all for myself.

What i am learning though is that i wasn’t the person I was before during or after my last episode and between them i realise there is a genuine 24 year old girl? Woman? Adult? not sure i meet the full criteria for that last one to be fair But none the less not just a Part time nutcase.

When i feel good my emotions race i can achieve anything its good i am unstoppable I’m also very destructive in my means of getting what I want. Sometimes ill admit actually a lot of the time my paths haven’t always been the cleanest but none the less i put my heart into anything that i feel right about. It feels amazing i get spurts of excitement and hyper behaviours my heart races i get warm fuzzy feeling like everything I’m feeling is precisely what I’m suppose to be doing like my soul is genuinely shining and when I’m there i don’t care what gets in my way  around me because it feels so right! Even when its the wrong thing to be doing completely…

These episodes i experience of hyper states and  waves of unbearable mood swings after effect me and i have not learnt how to control them yet. My first step to turning things positive is realising that the real person behind my personality disorder is a fully functioning human being and although I can be destructive in some paths I take I’m taking steps everyday towards the path I am meant for although i never know what the outcome may be  iv got a feeling  ill make it out of this alive.

I’m realising now that this is MY personality disorder since my diagnosis and i say MY in capitals because i feel you can have the same diagnosis as someone but every persons experience with it are different and the same with recovery. i use to just think i was just a hyperactive over emotional wreck of a person who couldn’t cope with the real world. Some people struggle with having a label such as a personality disorder i mean it does sound pretty mental the first time you hear it and it is daunting. Personally I used it as a positive i can understand myself better through my diagnosis i can understand thinking patterns better and through the help i now realise I need I can start learning how to function better.

I have more control than i give myself credit for at the moment, And its hard to remind myself of this when I’m loosing that grip. I have re read this line 100 times and although i know i am kind of right i still cant believe myself but i have to keep going. Positive post and all that jazz.

So today is R u Ok Day? And it is a post to be positive about and it brings me to Friendship. It takes a lot for another person to ask if your okay when they aren’t to sure if they are okay themselves. I feel like i have let a lot of people down recently and I’m finding it hard to put into words how devastating it is when relationships with friends and family break down due to mental health. Its the hardest thing to admit to and when you notice the destruction you can cause your head can become a very scary place. To the ones who stuck by me through these last couple of years i take my hat off to no matter the problems no matter how nasty or cold i have been towards them they still make the effort to ask me if i am okay. And that is the reason i am still here to this day the little lights at the end of my dark tunnels i get myself lost in.

So when your next lost in your next tunnel don’t be scared of the person who ask if your okay. They have problems to. Remember its okay not to be okay. I’m still not okay but I’m coping and speaking out about it here and to my friends and family is drastically helping me. I was shit scared of it at first don’t get me wrong but even these baby steps are slowly making me feel human  even if its just for a while and I’m going to enjoy it!

http://www.ruok.org.au

#RUOKAY