World Mental Health Day.

Today is World Mental Health Day my thoughts on this are rocky i want to scream out and help people and be an inspiration to others but im struggling to even be a person today. I posted the other day about laughing at myself and not taking my mental health to heart, Well it worked for all of 5 minutes and the last 24 hours i have been second guessing every life decision iv made, Iv been feeling rejected when i know im not! i feel disconnected from the world slightly lost in my minds intricate maze of doubt and self pity!

Zombie mummy has come out to play again and maybe its because its before half ten in the morning that i feel so incapable of being a normal person, Either way its a hard place to be stuck in. disconnected from good emotions and tuned in deeply to the negative ones. Taking things out of proportion and blaming myself and all round making mountains out of molehills. When my Nan use to say that to me i never understood it until now.

I ¬†look deeper into my mind and i know why its shutting itself down. This Month and date is quiet close to my heart 6 years ago today i done something that changed me. I had to grow up i had to make choices i shouldn’t of and to this day it affects me. When People talk about childhood trauma causing mental health problems this doesn’t just have to be abuse this can be anything traumatic and child doesn’t necessarily mean little kid your still a child throughout your youth, I needed support through my youth and i was pushed aside a lot more than i should of been just for being young, Almost laughed at and told it doesn’t get easier when you grow up so forget about it and enjoy being a kid. Well that was next to impossible i didn’t know how to not feel the way i did so i turned to being self destructive this pushed me into the arms of the wrong people and the rest is history.

I feel strongly about the help they offer and the way that kids and teenagers view mental health. I remember hiding behind my fake smile and going home and crying myself to sleep not knowing that i could talk to someone and it would help me understand my mind. I just thought i was different to other people i didn’t know other people could experience what i went through.I want to help i want to change young peoples outlook on asking for help, But i need the help myself today.

Being borderline can be tiring one moment your on top of it all the next it crashes down and the worlds your enemy. Understanding my brain takes it out of me i analyse every thing that gets said to me i take it in i turn it around and ¬†90% of the time i turn it into something its not wind myself up into a frenzy of am i right or wrong then wear myself out trying to examine every last detail to get the right answer, But always end up with the wrong one. Some days im like an unstoppable force the others you see right through me. It can be a blessing or a curse depends on how you wake up that day. One thing i would like to make a point of though is even though some days i struggle i wouldn’t change my mind i hate to love it but i do. So as much as i seem like its a tough place to be i wouldn’t be me without it.

Green Day – Where it all started…

Green days new album / Triggers / Right back where it all started

So the new green day song and tour dates have been announced and this is the perfect subject for me to start this hole “speaking out about my problems”. now let me say i thought my Green Day days where over they obviously are not and paranoid wreck of a girl or not this gig is top of my list . Music is my biggest trigger (not all of them are bad feelings i will admit) and these triggers can bring back memories of times I had put in a box and thought i had locked away for good. until you hear them few verses that meant so much to you once upon a time and then all of a sudden all these emotions i felt when i was at low points can come rushing back and this brings me here to talk about it clearly…

when i was a hormonal teenager music answered all my questions. I literally walked alone. (if your a green day fan you will understand this) You might say i was a troubled girl but really good at hiding emotions i had older boyfriends who i shouldn’t have i played with kids who probably weren’t much good for me and listened to music that probably didn’t help either but looking back now i realise these roles played a major role in my mental health adventure today. (if you had tried to tell me that then i probably would of done a runner for it) that was a speciality of teenage me. (still is if we are on the path to honesty)

Green day days where easy (at the time i thought they where the worst) i started self harming then lets just say i use to think i couldn’t ever get better and for what say a good 8 years i used failed relationship break downs and partying as my cover up it all looked pretty on the outside but i done myself no favours. its intense being unable to tell anyone being a young girl with such a lost head and too scared to admit her emotions and feelings. i look back and there has been ups but definitely a lot more downs but silver lining im still here and the demons iv created inside me haven’t quiet taken over just yet.

But in every post i write and every feeling i express and try to understand i want to make it a lesson something to remember and reflect on and learn from all in all.

(what i learn from this i probably should of stuck to gangsta rap instead of good old emo green day)

Top Tip- TALK TO SOMEONE – Choose anyone it helps let it out. Call a helpline if you do not want to tell anyone close to you. they will listen they wont interrupt and they cant see you so it makes it easier. Sometimes that is all you need to get you through. (it took me years to find the courage to do it myself so no stressing if you bottle it the first few times.)