World Mental Health Day.

Today is World Mental Health Day my thoughts on this are rocky i want to scream out and help people and be an inspiration to others but im struggling to even be a person today. I posted the other day about laughing at myself and not taking my mental health to heart, Well it worked for all of 5 minutes and the last 24 hours i have been second guessing every life decision iv made, Iv been feeling rejected when i know im not! i feel disconnected from the world slightly lost in my minds intricate maze of doubt and self pity!

Zombie mummy has come out to play again and maybe its because its before half ten in the morning that i feel so incapable of being a normal person, Either way its a hard place to be stuck in. disconnected from good emotions and tuned in deeply to the negative ones. Taking things out of proportion and blaming myself and all round making mountains out of molehills. When my Nan use to say that to me i never understood it until now.

I  look deeper into my mind and i know why its shutting itself down. This Month and date is quiet close to my heart 6 years ago today i done something that changed me. I had to grow up i had to make choices i shouldn’t of and to this day it affects me. When People talk about childhood trauma causing mental health problems this doesn’t just have to be abuse this can be anything traumatic and child doesn’t necessarily mean little kid your still a child throughout your youth, I needed support through my youth and i was pushed aside a lot more than i should of been just for being young, Almost laughed at and told it doesn’t get easier when you grow up so forget about it and enjoy being a kid. Well that was next to impossible i didn’t know how to not feel the way i did so i turned to being self destructive this pushed me into the arms of the wrong people and the rest is history.

I feel strongly about the help they offer and the way that kids and teenagers view mental health. I remember hiding behind my fake smile and going home and crying myself to sleep not knowing that i could talk to someone and it would help me understand my mind. I just thought i was different to other people i didn’t know other people could experience what i went through.I want to help i want to change young peoples outlook on asking for help, But i need the help myself today.

Being borderline can be tiring one moment your on top of it all the next it crashes down and the worlds your enemy. Understanding my brain takes it out of me i analyse every thing that gets said to me i take it in i turn it around and  90% of the time i turn it into something its not wind myself up into a frenzy of am i right or wrong then wear myself out trying to examine every last detail to get the right answer, But always end up with the wrong one. Some days im like an unstoppable force the others you see right through me. It can be a blessing or a curse depends on how you wake up that day. One thing i would like to make a point of though is even though some days i struggle i wouldn’t change my mind i hate to love it but i do. So as much as i seem like its a tough place to be i wouldn’t be me without it.

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Serendipity

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
“a fortunate stroke of serendipity”

Which brings me to this  weekend and the series of fortunate events that happened in such a short space of  time. I cried tears of happiness for the first time in years and delved deeply into the soul of some really beautiful people. made relationships that will last a life time and learnt lessons about my mind i didn’t know existed.

I learnt how to dream again. I realised i had forgotten my creative side. I use to be so imaginative this weekend brought all that back to me. I felt like the Cheshire Cat laughing to levels i didn’t even know existed. i was queen of my castle.

Some days my mind can loose its self and its not a bad thing im coming to terms with my mood swings and taking a handle on them one emotion at a time. The Thing is there is no rush i am who i am and i will always be her i cant change that but i can learn to live with myself and not hate who i am. its not something that comes easy and its certainly an adventure and who knows what tomorrow might bring.

The highs to my  personality disorder can be positive and im making them that one lesson at a time. Somebody once said to me Your only as high as your imagination can take you. I just need to Believe in myself some more.

My Monday although i felt hungover and shit. I Genuinely feel like i am radiating positivity and i intend to spread this positivity! So no matter what your going through try to imagine something beautiful and create a place that makes you happy even if its only for a short while. Dream Big no matter whats holding you down.